From: Kelvin Ang
Subject: Self-introductory Email
Dear Professor Brad Blackstone,
I would like to take the opportunity to introduce myself to you, my name is Ang Hong Ming, but feel free to address me as Kelvin. I am currently a year one Civil Engineering student at Singapore Institute of Technology. Prior to my national service, I graduated from Temasek Polytechnic with a diploma in business process & systems engineering.
The reason why I choose to pursue this course is that I always had an interest in designing and creating things. When I was a boy, my favourite toy was my Lego sets. I loved the whole process of planning and then building my own creations. Unsurprisingly, the subject that I enjoyed the most back in secondary school was design and technology. I learned the basic concepts and knowledge of designing as well as picking up some useful skills such as handling workshop tools and machinery. I also have a strong interest in photography, mainly architecture and landscape photography. Whenever I travel abroad, I would usually spend at least a day taking architecture shots and appreciating the different designs of the buildings.
In terms of my communications strengths, I find myself comfortable presenting and speaking in front of an audience. During my polytechnic days, I have to represent my school in a number of product and innovation national competitions. I found myself facing panels after panels judges my innovations. This experience gave me confidence in presenting in front of strangers.
In terms of my communications weakness, I find difficulty expressing in writing. Being brought up speaking only Chinese at home, English was exceptionally difficult for me to learn growing up. I often make grammatical mistakes when it comes to writing essays and reports.
My goals for this module are to polish up my presentation skills and greatly improve my writing skills to better prepare me when I enter the workforce in the future. I look forward to learning from you about effective communication.
Kelvin
(Commented on Dylan's, Brendan's and Sam's blog)
Hi Kelvin!
ReplyDeleteI feel that I get to know you better by reading your post, however i noticed some grammatical errors.
1) The reason why I choose to pursue this course is that I always had an interest in designing and creating things---> *chose
2) During my polytechnic days, I have to represent my school in a number of product and innovation national competitions---> *represented
3)I found myself facing panels after panels judges my innovations(??)
Cheers!
Hairi
Hi Hairi!
DeleteThank you for reading my introduction email. I will make the necessary changes base on your feedback.
Regards,
Kelvin
Hi Kelvin,
ReplyDeleteI have thoroughly enjoyed reading your well written self-introductory letter.It is very detailed , especially the reason where you chose to pursue your studies in civil engineering.
I think these are few mistakes that i can pick up:
-Overuse of Caps
----"I am currently a year one Civil Engineering"
----"Being brought up speaking only Chinese at home, English was "
Overall,one amazing piece.You deserve an A.
Cheers,
Aliff
Hi Aliff!
DeleteThank you for reading my introduction email. I will make the necessary changes base on your feedback.
Regards,
Kelvin
Dear Kelvin,
ReplyDeleteThanks for your patience. Your letter is very informative, with you making a focused but detailed statement on why you became interested in design and ultimately civil engineering.
You also do a good job of detailing your strengths and weaknesses in communication. You highlight the confidence you have in presenting, and you describe not feeling satisfied with your level of writing skills.
In terms of your language use, there are a couple minor issues to take note of:
1. sentence structure
-- I would like to take the opportunity to introduce myself to you, my name is Ang Hong Ming, but feel free to address me as Kelvin.
> (comma splice)
-- Being brought up speaking only Chinese at home, English was exceptionally difficult for me to learn growing up... > (dangling participle... what's your main subject? Was English brought up?)
2. verb issues
-- During my polytechnic days, I have to represent my school in a number of product and innovation national competitions. > (tense)
I look forward to working with you this term further.
Cheers,
Brad
Dear Professor Brad,
DeleteThank you for taking your time to read my introduction letter and providing me feedback. I will take your advice and make improvements to my letter.
Regards,
Kelvin